Freedom..

You hurt me. Not with words, but by withholding them when I needed them most.

You hurt me when you walked away.

You took with you my dreams, my hopes and my passion.

You scarred me with the ill-chosen words you did choose to use when you allowed anger to guide you, and your eyes to be closed to compassion.

You turned your back on me when I needed someone to prop me up.

I needed to lean on you, and you let me fall and I struggle to believe that it wasn’t deliberate.

You knew I was treading water, yet you threw me no lifelines. You responded to my cries for help with anger.

Were you angry at me for being weak? Or angry at yourself for being ill equipped to deal with the onslaught of emotion that I bring to the table?

Some say that you were not ever able to deal with me emotionally, but I call bullshit. You always knew exactly what you were doing.

I know I’m pretty full on but you knew that from the very beginning.

This was always all about control, and power and winning no matter the cost. It was about arrogance and selfishness.

I want to hate you for this and for all the rest of the pain you have caused me over the years, but hate is such a strong force that I don’t want to allow it in to poison me. Because I know it will damage me irreparably.

Part of me wants to find out what I need to do to cause you the same level of hurt and pain that you’ve caused me, but I know deep down that revenge is never the answer.

Love is.
Forgiveness is.
I’ve held onto enough pain to last me a lifetime and it’s starting to make me physically ill so it’s time to let it all go.
It’s time for me to move on and allow healing to begin.

You’ve left me damaged, but not broken. Cautious but not so much that I’ll never be able to let someone in again.

You don’t deserve that much power over me.

Your neglect of our relationship, of our history and our connection hasn’t left me feeling as cold as it I would’ve expected.

It has pushed me closer to Jesus.  To the one who will never be disappointed in me.

The one who will never crush me with angry words, the one who will never abandon me.

So thank you. Thank you for teaching me that it was always foolish to expect a human to be what only God can be.

Faithful, true, honest, loving and kind.

All the things you’re not.

 

WORDS.

image from: jonsibal.deviantart.com

I truly am a great big fan of words.

Really! I love them. I don’t always have the right ones when I need them and I often use the wrong ones instead but still…I really really like words!

It’s not uncommon for me to put my foot in my mouth because I haven’t yet perfected the art of connecting my brain to my mouth – sometimes excitement just takes over but still, I love words. And I’ve often been accused of using too many words and also of using them too often, and I try to heed this but this is how I was made.

It’s who I am.

One day in the future, I want to do a creative writing course just because I want to. One day….

I love to talk, to meet people and I especially love using words to tell other people when I love or appreciate them. My husband: Mr Patient is not so much of a “words” person. He is more of an “acts” person. He would fill my car with petrol, wash the dishes or sweep the floor before he’d tell me that he loves me.  But I’m totally ok with that because I now know that he is showing me that he loves me instead of using words.

But words are also what hurt me more than anything else. I would rather be punched, rarely hugged or have my birthday forgotten rather than have someone speak harshly or unkindly to me. I get devastated whenever someone says something callous or thoughtless to or about me and I react badly to harsh tones and inferences in speech. My husband tells me that I’m too soft and that I need to eat some concrete and harden up, but I respond that I would LOVE it if it were that easy! He said he’d never met someone that cried as much as I do before he met me.

There are also some TV shows that I simply cannot watch because the interaction between the characters is far too nasty and I can’t stand seeing people get hurt even if it is just acting.

I mostly dislike email and sometimes struggle with text messaging because tones are often hard to detect through text. I have difficulty working out whether someone is joking or whether they are really having a dig at me.  If the same message were spoken to me either on a phone or in person-I can tell immediately what is meant by their remark because I can also read their facial expressions or body language or by listening to the inflection in their voice. But not when the comment is in writing only.

So I suppose you’re all wondering why I spend so much time in bloggy land where everything is in print?….Well, most of the blogs I read are about parenting and it’s easy to tell in the first few paragraphs whether or not the author loves, hates or tolerates their children. I mostly get it right because the “about me” section explains a lot and I get to know the author once I have been reading their blog for a while.

I often think about the effects that words have on my children.  While I do try to use words positively around and to them-I am far from the perfect mother!  I’m not saying that I always praise my children endlessly and never raises my voice…..but I do try to be careful what I speak over and into them.

Like I said – I am FAR from a model mother…I have yelled at them at the top of my lungs, I have called them little brats (and other choice words), I have threatened dreadful things and I have given them tongue lashings for disobedience but I have NEVER ever told them that I don’t love them, that they are a disappointment or that I wish I never had them.   Those are words that never leave a child. Once they’re out, they can’t be taken back. They penetrate the child and get etched into their memories for years to come.

I have learned through personal experience that words are powerful.

I’ve noticed that all 3 of my children are also super sensitive to words. All of them have taken after me in that area. Their little faces light up when they are complimented, when they are praised and when they are told that they’re special. They are not yet so good at using words to convey feelings and thoughts but they certainly understand them. My kids remember every single compliment they’ve ever received and remind us of them constantly!

But I have also seen the flip side.

I have nursed broken-hearted children in my arms when they’ve been bullied at school by venomous tongued peers. I have prayed with children who have had those in positions of authority abuse their position and call them unprofessional names and I have consoled all of them at various times when a sibling uses words harshly to get their point across.

They are all like me. They all need positive words and I am going to do my darndest to make sure that they get them!

And as for remembering words that were spoken…..there is an old saying that’s been too often misquoted. And that saying is “Forgive and forget”.

In the bible, we are taught that God forgives our sins and removes them as far as the East is from the West. It also tells us to forgive others as He has forgiven us but no-where does it teach that we are to forgive and forget. It just teaches to forgive.

In fact – If we were to forget every time that we forgave someone…..We would be forever walking blindly back into the same old situations and continue to be abused over and over again. We need to remember these hurts so that we can use the memory of how it affected us to guard ourselves from hurtful situations being repeated.

The trick is to learn to forgive those who have spoken wrong of us and move on carefully. Because only when we have forgiven do we take the weight off our own shoulders and are then free to live our lives in total peace.

Have a good weekend all x

A mother exposed.


 

To my dear precious Ella, Harley and Lucas, 

Mummy is so very sorry.

I’m sorry I lost my temper at you all today.

I’m sorry I made some of you cry.

I wish I had held my tongue more and pulled back on my anger a lot more than I did.

But I want you to know that Mummy is trying really hard to not ever do that again.

Silly Mummy has been forgetting to take her “calm” tablets.

I hate that I have to be on these stinking tablets and I hate that whenever I think I’m coping well enough to stop taking them – life seems to come up and bite me in the butt and I discover the hard way that I’m not yet ready to go it alone.

Ugh!

Since you kids were born, Mummy has had a lot of surgery and a lot of trauma in her life and although God helps me to cope, I still have a lot of emotional grief to wade through.

Also, there has been so much go on in the past week that has caused Mummy to be sad and angry because I hate seeing any one of you hurting or being mistreated.

But that’s no excuse-Mummy still shouldn’t have gotten so mad.

I am now filled with peace and joy because the situation that has been troubling me all week has not only been worked out, but it has had a better outcome than I could have possibly have imagined!

You all know that Mummy is a very emotional person. I have been reading this great book so that I can let God work with me on this.

Thank you all for your cuddles and kisses when I told you I was sorry.

Thank you Ella for cooking dinner for us all and asking me every-2-minutes if I was ok…

Thank you Harley for your t-shirt hem that you used to wipe Mummy’s tears away when she spilled them onto your leg and for your gentle whispered little prayers and back rubs.

And thank you Lucas for offering me your smelly favourite lambie and blankie and for stroking my face.

You are all amazing treasures.

Each and every one of you are heaven-sent blessings.

I can’t believe how fortunate I am to be given the privilege of raising you all and I promise that I will do my very best to input wonderful and important truths into you all.

I will always try my very best to give you all the tools you need to get through life.

One of the most important tools is forgiveness.

Clearly you have all mastered that!

I can’t promise to be perfect. But I can promise to love you all unconditionally and forever.

God will continue to help me to be the best Mum I can be.

And I know that you all know that.

Love,

Mummy xxx