I am just so angry.
Where are you God? I know you won’t leave me, but right now, I cannot find you.
This hurt that is inside me is all-consuming. It’s overwhelming and frightening.
I struggle to join coherent thoughts together and the idea of completing simple everyday tasks seems so much more than I can possibly handle right now.
I wonder aloud whether there is more to life? There has to be. Surely this isn’t the best that life has got to offer? And I if this is in fact it- I want out.
Why aren’t you fixing this mess?
My mind is starting to go places that I know I should stop it from going. It’s been poking into dark corners that should be avoided and meanders it’s way along deadly paths and tracks that are all one way streets.
There is no coming back from some of these thoughts, but at the moment, it is what it is.
I’m so angry I can barely breathe some days.
Why have you let me get so low? Why aren’t you changing anything?
My current state of mind is a veritable quagmire of pain mixed with emotions that have no escape. They swirl around in my head and spin madly creating a series of out-of-control tornadoes that have the power to take me out in one foul swoop, and the energy that I expend trying to push them back under the surface is nothing short of exhausting.
Why aren’t you bringing the break I so badly need? Surely I deserve better than this?
Trying to keep this stupid mask glued to my face that presents a coping facade to the public and fool them into believing that every thing in my world is peachey is a task that requires enormous self-control and frankly: I no longer seem to have that in me anymore. My emotions torment me daily.
Where are you hiding from me?
These emotions hover on the edges of my sanity provoking me and passively aggressively eating away at my peace until I explode in a spectacular display of insanely refractory behaviour that paints me into a corner where I sit and rock as I try to wrap my head around what the hell is happening around me.
I am through pretending. When is this going to end?
Where is my escape?
Maybe I really have lost the plot once and for all. Maybe the end of my rope is the end of my life as well?
You know what? I don’t even care anymore. I’m done caring.
I know that YOU care, well at least I thought you did.
I am all out, I’ve got nothing.
Jesus: I need you. More than air.
You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.
I’m absolutely gushing with pride here! There is one happy Mama in this here house!
Not only did Harley do GREAT at the party tonight, he amazed me beyond anything that I could have imagined!
I arrived early and after clearing it first with the host Mum, I walked him around the house showing him where things were and acclimatised him with the environment.
One of the first things that I noticed though, was the food table full of fairy bread, chips, lollies and cupcakes……EEEEeeeeekkK!
I chided myself for forgetting all about bringing gluten-free food for him. It was really strange that I’d forgotten it too because I’d covered every other possible scenario with him!
I’d told him that there would be lots of kids, loud music and flashing lights. I prepared him for the possibility of his head getting (what he calls crowded) and his excitement wasn’t even slightly dulled even after I’d given him the worst-case scenario!
After about ten minutes, I told him that I had to leave for a little while and I handed the mother his headphones and my mobile number then left to go and buy some dinner for myself and Ella and Lucas. (Mr Patient is still at work so they had to come too).
When we returned Harley came running up to me and told me that he was having the BEST time.
I asked him what he’d eaten (so I could prepare myself for the onslaught tomorrow!) and he answered: “ I only ate the gummy bears, the sour worms and the cheezels because I know that these are the only gluten-free things here!”
I was THRILLED!, He has learnt what he can and can’t eat! WOOHOOOOOOO!
(There is a little gluten in the cheezels but he wouldn’t have known that because the ones I buy are gluten-free J )
*Sienna’s Mum told me that she offered him a sausage sandwich for dinner and he told her that he only wanted the sausage because he can’t eat bread!
My mouth fell open in disbelief!!!
And the final kicker….there was a choice of birthday cake or ice-cream cake and Harley chose the ice-cream cake because HE KNEW that there was gluten in regular cake!!!!
I can’t tell you how excited this makes me! All the hard work I have put into him trying to convince him that it is for his own good that he eats gluten-free…..HAS WORKED!!!!
I think back to the horrendous fights I used to have with him when I first started him on this diet….the crying, the whining, the negotiating…UGH…..it was AWFUL! But he has now learnt what makes him feel good and what doesn’t!
And the BEST part of the night?……*Sienna’s mother told me that he was one of the only children who used their pleases and thankyous and excuse mes…….
Yep…I’m grinning from ear to ear 😀
I have always loved banana bread but could never get it to taste any good whenever I made it with gluten free flour so I tried a lot of different ideas until I found what works.
Harley takes it to school in place of a sandwich because- lets face it, gluten-free bread is horrible!
And here it is:
Preheat oven to 170 degrees celsius (350 degrees F)
Grease 2 loaf pans
1 cup chopped pecans (I ground them in a herb mill so they came out looking like almond meal because my kids hate the texture of the nuts.
1 ½ cups sugar
1 ½ teaspoons gluten free baking powder
2 teaspoons vanilla essence
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon bicarb soda
375g box of rice flour
½ cup vegetable oil.
Mix all the dry ingredients together in a mixing bowl and make a well in the centre.
Lightly beat the eggs and pour them into the well.
Carefully stir this all together until mixture is wet and then add the oil and mashed banana mixing it through.
Once all the ingredients are moistened, beat with an electric mixer on slow for about 1-2 minutes.
Pour mixture evenly into the 2 pans and cook for 40 minutes or 30 minutes if making muffins.
This is yummy straight from the oven with butter or can be reheated in a toaster just like regular bread .
It must be eaten within 2 days or stored in the freezer as it contains no preservatives.
Looking for a quick and easy winter warmer to eat as you curl up in front of the telly at night?
Ok…..So it’s not exactly low-fat…..But you gotta live a little right?
And show me a female that doesn’t like chocolate and I would have to personally meet them to believe it!
I came across a recipe similar to this a while back on the good old internet and it appealed to my chocolate-craving, dessert-loving, lazy cooking nature a lot!
So I adapted it one that I could actually eat it as it looked divine!
It is SO simple and SO good and that’s 10/10 in my books 😉
50 g dairy and gluten-free chocolate coarsely chopped ( I used Sweet William which is widely available in Australia)
3 tablespoons nuttelex
4 tablespoons caster sugar
4 tablespoons gluten free flour
3 tablespoons milk (I used soy)
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
1. Melt the chocolate and butter together in a small microwave bowl in 15 second increments until it is melted stirring every time you check it
2. Add flour ,sugar , egg and vanilla extract and mix well.
3. Add the melted chocolate and butter and mix thouroughly
4. Pour into a large coffee mug and put it in the microwave for 3 minutes on high at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise above the rim of the mug but goes back down as soon as you open the microwave door.
***For those who don’t require a gluten or dairy free diet- the original recipe used dark chocolate, regular flour , butter and milk.
We had pizza AGAIN tonight but I’m over the usual ham, cheese and tomato BORING toppings that the kids always want. (Mind you – they stuck to the same old ingredients as they weren’t feeling very adventurous and only Mr Patient and I got to enjoy the Yummy pizza)!
I used a marinade I’ve made before and made up a “gourmet” pizza with zucchini, spanish onion and sumac as I went along!
It was REALLY nice (even if I do say so myself!)
The base is completely gluten,dairy and yeast free and the only dairy is in the mozzarella cheese on top (I only used a small handful) and the yoghurt I used was “lactose free” but beware- it STILL contains casein.
But so far , my children have handled mozzarella in small amounts without issue.
Anyway, here’s the recipe.
(makes 1 pizza)
Ingredients – Base:
2 cups gluten free self raising flour
2 tsp Xanthum gum
2 tsp gluten free baking powder
1 tsp sugar
1/4 tsp salt
2 Tablespoons olive oil
1.5 cups soda water
Directions – Base:
Preheat oven to 215 degrees celsius
Mix dry ingredients, add wet and combine. Will be a very sticky batter/dough.
Pat/spread onto oiled pizza pan, using water to keep hands from sticking.
Bake for in pre-heated oven for 25 minutes.
Ingredients – Tandoori Marinade:
1/4 cup tandoori paste ( I cheated and used it from a jar but make sure you read the label first- not all of them are gluten free)
1/4 soy carnation milk
1/4 tsp sumac
Mix together and marinade the chicken pieces for 10 -15 minutes in a small glass container while the base is cooking.
Ingredients – topping
2 Tbsp tomato paste
500g chicken breast sliced into thin strips ( cook in a small pan first before putting on top
of the pizza to ensure it gets fully cooked)
1 small zucchini sliced on an angle
1 small spanish (red) onion sliced into thin rings
1 medium roma tomato sliced
1/2 cup chopped mint
1 small tub yoghurt
1 tsp sumac
1/2 tsp lemon juice
1/4 cup chopped mint
Mix them all together in a small bowl and drizzle over pizza after it’s cooked.
Tonight I was feeling creative. I’m sure I’m not the first person ever to come up with the idea of hiding vegetables in your children’s food and I know potato pancakes have been around forever, but I took one of my kid’s favourite meals and gave it a twist.
But here’s the difference….The children had NO idea that there were any vegetables in these pancakes making me the master of sneakiness!
They tasted even better than the pancakes I make usually and because I served them with strawberries and banana with a drizzle of maple syrup – they were none the wiser to my trickery!
Here’s the recipe:
Potato and Zucchini Pancakes.
2 medium zucchini (courgette) peeled and finely grated
5 medium potatoes peeled and finely grated
2 cups gluten-free self raising flour
1 cup potato flour
1 tsp bicarb soda
1/4 cup castor sugar (gotta trick their taste buds)
2 eggs lightly beaten
2 Tbsp melted dairy free spread (or butter)
about 1-1 1/2 cups rice milk ( I just added it as I stirred until the correct consistency was reached)
Rinse the grated zucchini and potato and put it in a covered frying pan (or saucepan) with 1/4 cup water for about 7 minutes ( or until the potato is cooked).
While the vegetables are cooking, put the dry ingredients in to a bowl and add the beaten eggs, melted butter (or DF spread) and a splash of rice milk to help it to combine.
Thoroughly drain vegetables to remove excess water and put them into a blender or food processor to puree.
With a beater, mix the vegetables into the batter and gradually add rice milk until the desired consistency is reached.
Cook as you would a regular pancake.
For a more savoury (and adult) version, I made them before but omitted the sugar then served them with heated creamed corn and chopped chives and smoked salmon.